I don't mean to hurt any feelings with this. I just...I want people to understand what's going on in my head. I may act and look like I'm fine. But honestly? I'm not. I haven't been in a long...long time.
You've no idea how close I am to giving up though. Seriously.
Four months and $1851 and my car STILL isn't working properly enough to drive.
I've been passed up three times for full-time at my job. Even though I've been there longest and am very qualified.
I had to move home because said job doesn't pay enough to even make $200 rent.
Most of my 'closest' friends have forgotten about me.
My family barely recognizes me at home. I'll be talking and someone will interupt and attention goes to them. So I just slowly fade away and forget about it.
They plan stuff around everyone else, leaving me normally home alone because I have work.
I feel as though I'm always working, and having nothing come of it.
I'm mediocre in everything I do. I never get any credit for the things I do.
I know I shouldn't care, but lately I've even been feeling like I don't matter in the cosplay world either. No one looks up to me, no one wants me in their group cosplays, no one even thinks to ask me if I want to join, when I already have a costume.
I rarely ever get thanks for helping above mentioned friends with their costumes. I've taught a few to sew, some of my tricks, and I never get thanks.
I'm rarely invited to things because I "live too far away".
I rarely even know about things until it's too late.
The list goes on...
I was at my friends' house that they share together after Comic Con. ...they were all on their devices. I was just sitting there...ignored for hours.
Makes me never want to go over again.
The only one who keeps in contact? The one I get along with least.
I'm tired of fighting.
But if I don't...I'm alone.
I spend everyday, either at work, or at home.
Nothing in between. No hanging out with friends, no going out to dinner or a movie.
Unless I take myself.
NDK was my first 'playtime' all summer.
They like to make it my fault. They'll say, "You need to come up more!" "You need to come over so we can do stuff!" And I'm over here like....Why can't you? I drive 60 miles round trip for work every day. You could at least make an effort every once in a while.
I physically hurt because of this. That horrible pain in your chest and gut that comes when you've been sobbing for hours.
I get it...every day.
The despair and depressoin is the only 'constant' in my life.
And now I'm even questioning if I can even cosplay. I mean...it's stupid. But I love cosplaying but at the same time, I feel like I'm horrible at it. I see all these people, replacing me, doing the characters that I do with group that I was planned to be in.
I used to not care about that at all. But lately...I get depressed and push it away. Hiding it in the closet like I'll get yelled at for even trying.
I'm falling apart at the seams.